Sundries

           

 
                                        

Perks of age, yes, there are some...

It seems there is a feeling going around lately of interior examination. Several people have mentioned this in conversations, and I see the trend in posts on social media. Perhaps it's because many of us are impacted by the enormous changes occurring in society, and feeling lost in the whirlwind. We've begun to look inside because... outside is even scarier? Many of us are picking up and turning over the events of our lives to see what's underneath, or on the edges. This is good to do, unless perhaps you're suffering from scruples or OCD. People who've done a lot of this practice say it is best to not judge what we observe or recall, to simply notice it. I could not have done this when I was young, I could not have simply observed. I wanted things, and I chastised myself for anything I judged as a mistake or a wrongness in myself in the obtaining of those things, however unlikely or even harmful they might be. So stubborn. On the other hand, the very serious business of my many roles in life was rolling along, and I was not often aware of consequences and outcomes being the result of what I was doing. I was oblivious of the degree to which self defining outcomes were showing themselves to me. I was not taking the hint.

Because what I considered self-reflection, from earliest childhood, was in essence a constant judging of myself and others, and a constant awareness of what I perceived as things I lacked, I often felt uneasiness.

Perhaps I'm describing a typical neurosis, I wouldn't be surprised. What's interesting to me is that despite all that, and I struggle not to call it wasted time because it isn't, I ended up being able to deal with things fairly well. Seeing the ways we set ourselves up to achieve things that ultimately aren't really for us, is a gift I've gotten only from being so good at trying. Trials and tribulations have been many, especially since my 40's. I haven't been swallowed up in grief, unable to feel the joys and beauty of the present, regrets haven't taken over my psyche. After so many desires in life never coming to pass, I can accept that perhaps this change in my thinking was my goal, or one of them, in coming into this life. Looking back, I recall the feeling - the surge of anxiety rushing into my chest, my solar plexus suddenly empty, my head filling with adrenaline. Then the rush to do, or think, myself into solutions to my problems. Sometimes a few days of stewing would go by... I could think of little else. The feeling of having my mind spin out after it had run out of material for the current obsession, sleep finally overtaking me, and awakening, wondering, what the hell. The problem would be gone or at least I'd burned it up mentally. I felt free... and a bit depleted. This would be repeated many times over the years. Many, many, times.

It's been a long time since I've experienced that. I can't say how it stopped, except that I finally noticed that I was doing "that thing". That maybe I should just look at it more closely and see if I could learn more about what it was showing me without getting my mind in a whirl. I should breathe and get on with other things. I should wait. 

This is how it works if we are  lucky enough to live long enough, the perks of age.

Hoping your reflections are crystal clear this week. ~Dorothy Dolores